Worldly Ideas

Playalinda Beach

2010-07-11T18:05:00.004-04:00

Sexy mascot can stay at eatery if curves covered

2009-05-17T12:10:00.001-04:00

READING, Ohio – A curvaceous, scantily clad mannequin can keep her spot outside a Cincinnati area barbecue joint, but local officials want her to cover up a bit.

The life-size figure stands as a busty beacon outside a restaurant in suburban Reading (REH'-ding) owned by Kenny Tessel. He told zoning officials at a hearing Wednesday night that the advertising gimmick has boosted business 40 percent.

The 5-foot-10 mannequin is on the street wearing a bikini top and tight short-shorts, though Tessel brought her to the hearing draped in a long, sleeveless gray T-shirt.

The board said Tessel may continue to use the figure only if it's dressed more modestly in front of the restaurant, too.

He plans to appeal.

___

Information from: The Cincinnati Enquirer, http://www.enquirer.com

Letter to a Redneck Son

2009-05-05T17:44:00.004-04:00

Dear Son;

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Thought for the Day

2009-05-05T17:32:00.001-04:00

Everyone who has ever been stuck with a ranting female know how true this is

Parenthood: Changes with Each Baby

2009-05-01T20:42:00.001-04:00

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Outta My Way

2009-05-01T20:40:00.000-04:00

Outta my way, I'm running a little behind !!!

Calling in Sick

2009-04-26T09:15:00.003-04:00

Cat Lover or Not, this is Hysterical! We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

http://johns-jokes.com/joke/of_the_day/Calling_in_Sick/1124/

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue? If they only knew!'

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

When Your High

2009-04-26T09:13:00.001-04:00

Everything is your friend when your high enough

A Womans Rule Book - How To Deal With Men

2009-04-20T17:15:00.001-04:00

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "oh alright, I'll stay the night."
Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
Sadly, all men are created equal.
When he asks you if he's your first, tell him "you may be, you look familiar."

Red Neck Wife Beater

2009-04-20T17:13:00.001-04:00

Sometimes make do and mend is not the best way

Think Outside The Box

2009-04-19T18:31:00.002-04:00

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
An old friend who once saved your life.
The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:

'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.

"I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is

to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery,

have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car,

then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

I Am Really Brainy !!

2009-04-19T18:29:00.000-04:00

Now this is one reason for being large that I can relate to !!

Overworked Employee in India

2009-04-17T13:22:00.002-04:00

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason I'm tired: because I'm overworked.

* The population of this country is 1 billion.

* 644 million are retired. That leaves 356 million to do the work.

* There are 195 million in school, which leaves 161 million to do the work.

* Of this there are 29 million employed by the head government, leaving 132 million to do the work.

* 16 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 116 million to do the work.

* Take from the total, the 15 million who work for the State and City Governments and that leaves 101 million to do the work.

* At any given time there are 100 million people sick or hurt and in hospitals, leaving 1 million to do the work.

* Now, there are 2 less than a million people in prisons.

* That leaves just two people to do the work.

* You and me.

* And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes

Job Description

2009-04-17T13:07:00.001-04:00

Well at least you know what to expect in this job !!!

Signs And Notices

2009-04-12T14:52:00.005-04:00

Actual signs

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE
50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG
20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.
IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED...
OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH:
IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND.
ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.
BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.....

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR
MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF..

Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS...
YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Nice Golf Clubs

2009-04-12T14:45:00.006-04:00

She even plays gold with them sometimes as well !!

More Great Truths About Life From Little Children

2009-04-11T17:44:00.003-04:00

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.

Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower.

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.

Never bug a pregnant mom.

Don't ever be too full for dessert.

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.

Never spit when on a roller coaster.

Never do pranks at a police station.

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.

Stay away from prunes.

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.

Forget the cake, go for the icing.

Fair Warning

2009-04-11T17:42:00.002-04:00

Never let it be said you were not warned !!

25 Reason Farts are Better than Cigarettes

2009-04-10T19:14:00.000-04:00

You can have a fart in a restaurant.
Farts don't cause cancer.
You can never run out of farts.
The price of a fart won't go up.
There is no tax on farts.
Friends are always willing to share them with you.
Farts are available to minors.
You can fart underwater.
Farts don't leave stains on your fingers or lips.
Farts aren't related to bad breath.
You don't need an ashtray to fart.
Farts won't make you cough.
You can fart on Public Transport.
You can fart in bed without fear of falling asleep and burning the house down.
You don't need to take you hands off the steering wheel to fart.
No body ever tries to bludge a fart of you in the pub.
Farts don't have Government Health warnings on them.
Farts have no affect on unborn Babies.
Farts don't have to be lit to be enjoyed.
You don't need a pocket to keep your farts in.
There's no anti-farting laws.
After a fart there is no butt to dispose of.
You can fart while exercising.
You get a variety with each fart.
Careless farters haven't been known to start brush fires.

But there's also the reverse of this list which I could only think of one entry for:

Smokes are easier to light than farts!!

Rules of Military Combat

2009-04-10T16:00:00.002-04:00

If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
The easy way is always mined.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
1. When you're ready for them.
2. When you're not ready for them.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
When in doubt empty the magazine.
Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
Five second fuses only last three seconds.
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

Heaven and Hell

2009-04-10T15:56:00.002-04:00

One persons view of heaven and hell, as worn on his t shirt

How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

2009-04-09T09:40:00.002-04:00

Australian Shepherd: Just one. While the rest herd the property for any more light bulbs or even light switches that need to be replaced.

Pit Bull: As long as I'm here, nobody can change ANYTHING. Not as long as I'm around. NO WAY.

Golden Retriever: It doesn't matter. Even if someone breaks in, I will find the flashlight for them and show off all of my toys and will play fetch nonstop. I still got lots of toys that squeak.

Rottweiler: Won't you-- MAKE ME!!!..Just try it.

Labrador: Oh me, me!!!!! Huh? Huh? Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change it! Can I? Can I? You sure you only want me to change it? Too bad these bulbs float, or else I would even change the ones from way under the pool.

German Shepherd: Roger that. First of all, I need to see if that is truly a light bulb or a bomb. Second, I should check for any intruders still left in the premises. And third, see if they are still around, so I can sink these nice set of canines in that arm and keep on swinging from it. Not really. Any arm will do.

Maltese: Let the German Shepherd do it. Cocky bastard. You can fix my hair. Yes. Of course piggy tail. What else?

Saint Bernard: Man, I still got the hangover from last night and you're worry about a stupid lamp. Look. I threw up a few times and can't even wipe my own slobber. Those bitches once they're in heat, REALLY know how to party and I got hammered.

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring, check for any hazards, and let you know how long that light bulb will actually last.

Weiner Dog: Yeah right. You know that I can't reach that stupid bulb! Hello? Besides, those big scary dogs just love to floss their teeth with me. And with/without any light they always find me. I guess it's because I just can't shut up. Can I?

Siberian Husky: You mean just yank it out of that ceiling and take off with it for miles without even looking back?

Minature Pincher: Why? I can still bite ankles in the dark.

Jack Russell Terrier: Dude, I have cats to chase, rabbits to hunt, and make my owners catch me if you can game. Besides, I will pop it again with my constant bouncing around anyway.

Bassett Hound: Leave that thing off. I am so tired and sleepy and I love it when it's dark. Too much light hurts my eyes. Why do you think my eyes are so freaking red all the time? Noooooo. I told you a million times that I DO NOT smoke pot. Gosh!!!. I only slept fifteen hours today and you kept on bugging me. ZZZZZZzzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z.

Chow Chow: Nope, don't change that light bulb, don't brush me, don't bathe me, don't medicate me, and don't ever mistake me with a goofy bear.

Poodle: Oh come on. Give me a break. Who wants to mess up the hair for a stupid light bulb? What if the minute I even try to install it, it burns my fro. I mean come on. The fro is back in style and these curls don't just happen, you know. Did I tell you I just got my nails done at Poodle Nook Salon today?

Lhaso Apso: Why change it? I can still mark every corner of this house blindfolded.

Doberman: Let them break in. I always wait in that corner and never make a sound. By the time they notice me, my teeth will meet their crotch. Then we'll talk about who's really going to get neutered tonight. GRRRRRRRRR.

Beagle: Light bulb? I don't sniff any light bulbs? What's the point. I will pop it again with my long barks anyway.

Boxer: Come on dude. Listen to my name.. BOXER? Who needs to change a light bulb when I can just box and knock out the intruder. Once they grab me by the collar, then I'll show you my psycho dance, that is guaranteed to break those fingers.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero TACO BULB?

Pomeranian: Hey, I was a chow in my past life. So don't you dare make me do anything.

Bulldog: No way Jose! Last time I tried that crap, I landed flat on my nose.

Bichon Frisee: Let the bulldog or the pug do it. Cute dogs don't have to work. Besides, all they do is snore and snore alllllllllll night anyway.

Pointer: I see it. There it is. That one right? Yep I see it. There it is. Right there.. hmm.. although it is not moving. I wish they have light bulbs in the jungle. That way I could point out those squirrels even better.

Greyhound: I told you people that I only move off that couch for rabbits! Plain and simple.

Afghan Hound: Light bulb? What? Huh? I'm sorry, what is that? Back in mountains there are no light bulbs. Besides, everybody knows that I don't need a silly lightbulb to prove how gorgeous I really am.

Written by Kevin Salem - Head Instructor of Sacramento's Real-Life Dog Training.

Just One Time

2009-04-09T09:38:00.002-04:00

All it takes is one time ...............

A message from John Cleese to the citizens of the USA:

2009-04-08T10:37:00.002-04:00

Some inspiration to expand the empire again.

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your Independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as American English.

We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen".

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

In Defense Of Teddy Bears ( contains a swear word )

2009-04-08T10:32:00.002-04:00

This is a lovely sentiment, forget the swearing, read the message and understand why your teddy means so much to you

Rodney Dangerfield quotes

2009-04-07T13:46:00.003-04:00

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was lost on the beach and the cop helped me look for my parents I said, "Do you think we'll find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid, there's so many places they could hide."

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I get no respect. This last week my tie was on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes. And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.

I don't get no respect. I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies. He said from now on I have to pay in advance.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. Well, I told him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I don't get no respect at all from my dog. Well, he keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

I tell you, I can't take it no more. My dog found out we look alike, he killed himself.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."

When I was a kid I got no respect. My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He told me to wait till it gets warmer.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

Taking The Credit Crunch Too Far ??

2009-04-07T13:37:00.002-04:00

Is this taking the lack of finances too far ? And the question I have is........ why are they selling a used tombstone ?? Does he not need it any more ?

Quick Wisdom

2009-04-06T13:31:00.005-04:00

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It’s always darkest before dawn, so if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

No one is listening until you fart.

Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile way and you have their shoes.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Don’t squat with your spurs on.

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Bail 'Em Out ?

2009-04-06T13:25:00.003-04:00

With a track record like this, so glad that the government is running GM Motors now, its in safe hands !!!!!!!!!!!

Life Before The Computer

2009-04-05T15:08:00.004-04:00

there was life before computers ? wow learn something new every day !!

What a Woman Wants in a Man

2009-04-05T15:04:00.002-04:00

What women want in a man at age 25:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What women want in a man at age 35:

1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What women want in a man at age 45:

1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What women want in a man at age 55:

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What women want in a man at age 65:

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What women want in a man at age 75:

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

What is a Cat?

2009-04-03T17:13:00.001-04:00

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.

9. They leave hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

Filling Station

2009-04-03T17:09:00.002-04:00

This is my type of filling station, wonder if they do regular and unleaded ?

Hangover Rating

2009-04-02T18:36:00.003-04:00

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover, (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of
every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

A Womans Motto for Her Life

2009-04-02T18:34:00.002-04:00

A womans motto for life, learn it and live it

Law of Probability

2009-04-01T10:58:00.003-04:00

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors’ Law
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

Demotivator - How To Crush Your Dreams

2009-04-01T10:33:00.004-04:00

Well if this isn't a demotivator don't know what is

Women and Men THE RULES

2009-03-31T09:13:00.002-04:00

For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship.

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.

7. If rule number six applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset.

13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.

14. The female always gets the last word!

(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit.

Poweleveling

2009-03-31T09:11:00.002-04:00

Sometimes you just have to take a short cut

Things Humans Should Learn

2009-03-30T18:19:00.001-04:00

Human beings don't come with an owner's manual, but they should.

Wrinkles don't hurt.

Laughing is good exercise - it's like jogging on the inside.

No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

Don't cry because it is over; smile because it happened.

There's always going to be people that hurt you, so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.

The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

You can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

No matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Never, under ANY circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved (and never will achieve) its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, HE WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV in a bad suit, with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career / job with your life.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Your family and true friends love you, no matter what.

Need An Address

2009-03-30T18:15:00.002-04:00

Send your address on a postcard to ............................

A LITTLE GUN HISTORY

2009-03-29T18:22:00.003-04:00

In 1929, the Soviet Union established gun control. From 1929 to 1953,
about 20 million dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up
and exterminated.
------------------------------
In 1911, Turkey established gun control. From 1915 to 1917, 1.5 million
Armenians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.

------------------------------
In 1938, Germany established gun control. From 1939 to 1945, a total of 13
million Jews and others who were unable to defend themselves were rounded up
and exterminated.
------------------------------
In 1935, China established gun control. From 1948 to 1952, 20 million
political dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated
------------------------------
In 1964, Guatemala established gun control. From 1964 to 1981, 100,000
Mayan Indians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated.
------------------------------
In 1970, Uganda established gun control. From 1971 to 1979, 300,000
Christians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
------------------------------
In 1956, Cambodia established gun control. From 1975 to 1977, one million
educated' people, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated.
-----------------------------
Defenseless people rounded up and exterminated in the 20th Century because
of gun control: 56 million.
------------------------------
It has now been 12 months since gun owners in Australia were forced by new
law to surrender 640,381 personal firearms to be destroyed by their own
Government, a program costing Australia taxpayers more than $500 million
dollars.

The first year results are now in:

List of 7 items:

Australia-wide, homicides are up 3.2 percent
Australia-wide, assaults are up 8.6 percent
Australia-wide, armed robberies are up 44 percent (yes, 44 percent)!

In the state of Victoria alone, homicides with firearms are now up 300
percent. Note that while the law-abiding citizens turned them in, the
criminals did not, and criminals still possess their guns!

While figures over the previous 25 years showed a steady decrease in armed
robbery with firearms, this has changed drastically upward in the past 12
months, since criminals now are guaranteed that their prey is unarmed.

There has also been a dramatic increase in break-ins and assaults of the
ELDERLY. Australian politicians are at a loss to explain how public safety
has decreased, after such monumental effort, and expense was expended in
successfully ridding Australian society of guns The Australian experience
and the other historical facts above prove it.

You won't see this datum on the US evening news, or hear politicians
disseminating this information.

Guns in the hands of honest citizens save lives and property and, yes,
gun-control laws adversely affect only the law-abiding citizens.

Take note my fellow Americans, before it's too late!

The next time someone talks in favor of gun control, please remind them of
this history lesson.

With guns, we are 'citizens'. Without them, we are 'subjects'.

During WWII the Japanese decided not to invade America because they knew
most Americans were ARMED!

If you value your freedom, Please spread this anti-gun control message to
all of your friends.

The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense.
The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important
than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.

As John Steinbeck once said:

1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll
just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics stink.

3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.

4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The
reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked
him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make
a 46.'

6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.

7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on
his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you
expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have
brought my rifle.'

8. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!

But wait, there's more!

I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I
did. She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I said, 'Of
course it is loaded, can't work without bullets!' She then asked, 'Are you
that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?' My reply was, 'No, not
at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire
extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.' To which I'll add,
having a gun in the house that isn't loaded is like having a car in the
garage without gas in the tank.

I'm a firm believer of the 2nd Amendment!

Pets or Children ?

2009-03-29T18:19:00.001-04:00

A good reason to have a pet not a child

Rita Rudner's Facts About Men

2009-03-28T19:48:00.004-04:00

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates it can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

Men forget everything; women remember everything.

That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

All men would still really like to own a train set.

Sharing Together

2009-03-28T18:57:00.005-04:00

Loved this picture, Man and nature together, wonder who will get the fish first ?

Favourite Hymns

2009-03-27T16:53:00.003-04:00

The Dentist's Hymn:..................Crown Him With Many Crowns

The Weatherman's Hymn.........There Shall Be Showers of Blessing

The Contractor's Hymn.............The Church's One Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn.....................Holy,Holy, Holy

The Golfer's Hymn....................There is A Green Hill Far Away

The Politician's Hymn...............Standing on the Promises

The Optometrist's Hymn...........Open My Eyes That I Might See

The IRS Agent's Hymn..............I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn..................Pass It On

The Electrician's Hymn.............Send the Light

The Shopper's Hymn................Sweet By and By

The Realtor's Hymn..................I've Got A Mansion Just Over
the Hilltop

The Pilot's Hymn.......................I'll Fly Away

The Paramedic's Hymn..............Revive Us Again

The Judge's Hymn.......................Almost Persuaded

The Psychiatrist's Hymn............Just A Little Talk With Jesus

The Architect's Hymn...................How Firm A Foundation

The Credit Card Telemarketer's Hymn....A Charge To Keep I Have

The Zookeeper's Hymn..............All Creatures of Our God & King

The Postal Worker's Hymn...............So Send I You

The Waiter's Hymn......................Fill My Cup, Lord

The Gardener's Hymn................Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming

The Lifeguard's Hymn...................Rescue the Perishing

The Criminal's Hymn....................Search Me, O God

The Baker's Hymn.............When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder

The Shoe Repairer's Hymn...............It Is Well With My Soul

The Travel Agent's Hymn................Anywhere With Jesus

The Geologist's Hymn...................Rock of Ages

The Hematologist's Hymn..........Are You Washed in the Blood?

The Menswear Clerk's Hymn..............Blest Be the Tie

The Umpire's Hymn......................I Need No Other Argument

The Librarian's Hymn...................Whispering Hope

Now, for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns for you:

45 mph......................God Will Take Care of You

55 mph......................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah

65 mph......................Nearer My God to Thee

75 mph......................Nearer Still Nearer

85 mph......................This World Is Not My Home

95 mph......................Lord, I'm Coming Home Over

100 mph................Precious Memories

Indifference

2009-03-27T16:50:00.003-04:00

There is a lot to be said for indifference, lets face it, it takes less work

Definitions

2009-03-26T15:23:00.003-04:00

1. *THINGY *(thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. *VULNERABLE *(vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male........Playing football without a cup.

3. *COMMUNICATION* (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. *COMMITMENT* (ko-mit-ment) n
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5*. ENTERTAINMENT *(en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. *FLATULENCE* (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-expression male bonding.

7. *MAKING LOVE* (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up having sex.

8. *REMOTE CONTROL* (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Lifes Surprises

2009-03-26T14:54:00.002-04:00

Life is full of surprises, you never know what will happen when

Era Infinity

2009-03-26T08:42:00.000-04:00

Headstone Humor

2009-03-25T20:22:00.003-04:00

Found on real headstones:

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903 Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down.
It was.
******************************
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
******************************
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
The Good Die Young.
******************************
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
*****************************
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
******************************
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.
******************************
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. V
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
******************************
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
******************************
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
*****************************
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.
*****************************
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.
*****************************
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
******************************
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
*****************************
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.
******************************
And last but not least, a friend of mine found this in Key West:
Elmer Hodges
I told you I was sick!

Diet Incentive

2009-03-25T20:07:00.003-04:00

A real diet incentive,