Friday, October 31, 2008

Funny Beer Commercial


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Marketing

1 . You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich.
"Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich.
"Marry him." -That's Advertising"

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich.
"Marry me - That's Telemarketing"

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:
"By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations"

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You are very rich!
"Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition"

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. -
"That's Customer Feedback"

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. -
"That's demand and supply gap"

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her:
"I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him -
"That's competition eating into your market share"


9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. -
"That's restriction for entering new markets"


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A Real Bad Day

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison!"


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Recommended Courses for Women




1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before


2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits


3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits


4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game


5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.


6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His


7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.


8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking


9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging


10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire


11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up


12. Introduction to Parking


13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space


14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat


15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter


16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption


17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People


18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully


19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His


20. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To


21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have


22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice


23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together


24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both


25. TV Remotes: For Men Only


http://www.laughitout.com


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Mis- communication


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I am ............


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Thursday, October 30, 2008

Bonding


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Seven Deadly Sins


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World Disasters


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Cop directing traffic spots man driving his truck

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

FRISCO, Texas -- A police officer directing traffic outside of a concert in suburban Dallas noticed a familiar-looking truck driving by - his own. The startling sight led to the arrest of James Matthew Herring, 22, who is charged with theft and evading arrest, police said.

Officer Jerry Varner said he parked his maroon pickup about 100 yards from where he was directing traffic Saturday night. He said he didn't notice anyone breaking in but recognized his truck coming toward him.

Varner ordered the driver to pull over. Instead, the man put the truck in reverse and attempted to flee, striking several vehicles, police said.

Police cars eventually surrounded the truck. The driver tried to run but was soon caught, police said.

Herring's court-appointed attorney said he hadn't met with his client and declined to comment.


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T-Rex noses out dinosaur competition


When it came to the sense of smell among meat-eating dinosaurs, Tyrannosaurus rex nosed out the competition.

Scientists at the University of Calgary and the Royal Tyrrell Museum in Alberta, Canada, compared the size of their olfactory bulbs - the part of the brain regulating the sense of smell - in a wide range of carnivorous dinosaurs.

The researchers performed CT scans and measured fossilized skulls of meat-eating dinosaurs, known as theropods, including huge predators, smaller raptors and ostrich-like dinosaurs. They also looked at the primitive bird Archaeopteryx.

Tyrannosaurus, the scourge of North America at the end of the age of dinosaurs, was the undisputed king. Its olfactory capabilities surpassed that of the other huge predators the researchers examined, including South American giant Giganotosaurus and African killer Carcharodontosaurus.

"T-Rex had a very good sense of smell," Francois Therrien of the Royal Tyrrell Museum, one of the researchers, said in a telephone interview. "Probably that's how they located prey and patrolled a large territory."

The researchers were not the first to describe T-Rex's strong sense of smell, but were the first to rate the beast in comparison to other meat-eating dinosaurs.

Other experts have pointed to T-Rex's stellar smeller as evidence that it must have been more of a scavenger than an active hunter. Therrien disagreed.

"It has been suggested that the very good sense of smell of T-Rex indicated that it was a scavenger because it would have used its sense of smell to locate putrefying carcasses on the landscape," said Therrien, whose findings were published in the British journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B.

"But when we look at modern animals, we see that's not the case. Scavengers don't necessarily have a better sense of smell. You have some like the turkey vultures that have a good sense of smell. But you have other scavengers like the Old World vultures that actually have a typical sense of smell because they use sight instead of smell to locate prey."

Vicious little Velociraptor and its raptor relatives also had an excellent sense of smell, the researchers said. But the ostrich-like dinosaurs like speedy Ornithomimus and the toothless Oviraptor apparently had very poor senses of smell.

Archaeopteryx, the earliest known bird with fossils dating to 150 million years ago, turned out to have a good sense of smell in line with that of the small meat-eating dinosaurs from which paleontologists believe birds evolved, they said.


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Man Accused Of Using Dangerous Weapon - Centipedes


KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia (AP) ― A Malaysian man has been accused of trying to hurt his neighbor with a dangerous weapon -- centipedes.

Prosecutor Mazri Mohamed said Wednesday that R. Prabakaran has been charged with attempting to cause harm with a dangerous weapon after allegedly unleashing four centipedes and bugs in his neighbor's bed last week following an argument.

Prabakaran, 21, allegedly climbed on to the roof to enter his neighbor's house where he committed the offense, Mazri said.

Prabakaran pleaded not guilty Tuesday in a court in the southern city of Johor Baru and has been released on bail, Mazri said.

It was not clear what species the centipedes were. Some species are poisonous.

If found guilty, Prabakaran faces up to three years prison and a caning.


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Girl returns $1,000 found in Richard Simmons tape

The best bargain at the Salvation Army thrift store in Kailua-Kona was a Richard Simmons videotape. But Mikela Mercier, 11, decided to pass up the chance to buy the tape for a few coins after she found a surprise inside: $1,000 in $100 bills.

Mikela said that when she discovered the money while browsing through the used tapes, she immediately looked for her mom who was inside the dressing room and told her they needed to turn it in.

Store manager Jimmy Thennes put out a news release on the discovery, praising Mikela for her honesty.

Her mother, Jodi Mercier, said she is very proud of her daughter who she says knew it belonged to the Salvation Army so the agency can help more people in need.


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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Ronald Reagan Quotes

'Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.'

- Ronald Reagan



'The most terrifying words in the English language are:

I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'

- Ronald Reagan


'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant;

it's just that they know so much that isn't so.'

- Ronald Reagan


'Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because

the U.S. was too strong.'
- Ronald Reagan


'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.'

- Ronald Reagan


'The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.'
- Ronald Reagan


'Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.'
- Ronald Reagan


'The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is

a government program.'

- Ronald Reagan


'It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession.

I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.'

- Ronald Reagan


'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it.

And if it stops moving, subsidize it.'

- Ronald Reagan


'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.'

- Ronald Reagan


'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.'

- Ronald Reagan



'If we ever forget that we're one nation under God,

then we will be a nation gone under.'

- Ronald Reagan


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Bizzare Court Cases




The court of law is thought to be a rational place, but we’ve uncovered some of the most bizarre court cases that have ever graced the UK courts.


10. Toy car

Cathy McGowan was thrilled when she won a competition on the local radio. She answered the question on Radio Buxton to win a Renault Clio, but, when she arrived at the local radio station, she was presented with a toy car. The radio station was ordered to pay £8,000 as the judge ruled they had entered into a legally binding agreement.


9. Sex rations

In 1980, three judges, Lord Justice Ormrod, Lord Justice Dunn and Mr Justice Arnold ruled that a woman who rationed sex with her husband to once per week was behaving reasonably. Tell that to her husband!


8. Pineapple head


Policewoman, Tracey Ormsby, was hit with a pineapple and then tried to claim £1.5m in damages. She was later awarded £3,000. The judge later said of Ms Ormsby “I consider at best there is a very considerable degree of exaggeration in her account of her disabilities.”


7. Pringles are not crisps


Proctor & Gamble, makers of Pringles crisps saved millions of pounds on VAT after the UK High Court ruled the product is not a crisp. As Pringles aren’t officially crisp they are exempt from the 17.5% tax that applies to “potato crisps, potato sticks, potato puffs and similar products made from the potato, or from potato flour, or from potato starch” defined in the 1994 VAT Act. Now we need the High Court to decide once and for all if Jaffa Cakes are a cake or a biscuit…

credit: flickr/thechorompys


6. Mole Man


A man who spent 40 years building a labyrinth of tunnels underneath his home was ordered to pay £300,000 in damages to Hackney Council.


5. Deathstar vs the little guy


A judge ruled that British prop designer, Andrew Ainsworth, could carry on selling replica Star Wars stormtrooper outfits in the UK despite going up against Star Wars creator George Lucas in a row over copyright. We’re guessing that even Lucas wouldn’t have made a fuss over any Ja Ja Binx outfits being sold without his permission.


4. An Inconvenient Lie


The UK High Court ruled that schools must warn children watching Al Gore’s film, “An Inconvenient Truth” that it promotes “partisan political views”. Never mind the warning about promoting partisan views, just make sure it carries the warning “may induce boredom”


3. Virgin Ring

A schoolgirl lost her fight to wear a virginity ring as a sign of Christian faith. Lydia Playfoot, 16, wasn’t allowed to wear the ring as it was against school regulations.


2. He really is dead – look


A mother brought her sons ashes into court to prove he was dead after the DVLA continued to send letters addressed to her dead son two years after his death. Julie Strange, had sent her son’s death certificate to the DVLA, but they issued a court summons. Ms Strange took her son’s ashes into the court room and the prosecution was immediately dropped.


1. Chopping meat too loudly


A butcher appeared before a magistrates court after being accused of repeated breaches of a noise abatement order. Brian Clapton was told that he had to stop chopping meat between 6am to 8am after the council received complaints from a neighbour.
Noise and nuisance officer Timothy Jones (is that even a real job), said: ’sounded like someone was carrying out shop refurbishment, such was the sound in the complainant’s flat’.

http://www.thedailydust.co.uk/2008/10/27/10-bizarre-uk-court-cases/




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Man rescued on Train




A passenger on a French train had to be rescued by firemen after having his arm sucked down the on-board toilet.

The 26-year-old victim was trapped when he tried to fish out his mobile phone, which had fallen into the toilet bowl, and fell foul of the suction system.

The high-speed TGV train had to stop for two hours while firemen cut through the train's pipework.

The man was carried away by emergency services, with the toilet still attached to his arm.

"He came out on a stretcher, with his hand still jammed in the toilet bowl, which they had to saw clean off," said Benoit Gigou, a witness to the man's plight.

The incident happened on Sunday evening, aboard a train travelling in western France between La Rochelle and Paris.


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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

A Woman Scorned


On the first day Margo packed all her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, Margo sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.


When she had finished, she went into each an every room and deposited few half-eaten anchovies dipped in caviar down the curtain rods.


When Margo's husband Ralph returned with his new girlfriend Tracey, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.


Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.....Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.


A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, Ralph and Tracey could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.


Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then Margo called Ralph, and asked how things were going and he told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.


Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, Ralph agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.


A week later Ralph and Tracey stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home - including the curtain rods!




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Women One Liners




At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'


'I never know how much of what I say is true.' Bette Midler


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can. Margo Kaufman


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.


There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.



'It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.' Tallulah Bankhead


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Why Men make better friends than woman

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her Husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.


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Men Bashing

What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.

Why do men like BMWs? They can spell it.

What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.

Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men and spray paint alike? One squeeze and they're all over you.

Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.


Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.


Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.

Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5,000 miles, whichever came first.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, men will screw anything.

What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What do ceramic tile and men have in common? If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!


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How Hot is Hell ?



A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:


"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.


Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.


Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities.


#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.


#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.



The student got the only A.




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