Friends

A true friend will not let you drink and drive

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Coming Home

A drunk staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, he got up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, he woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room.

"You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

"Why do you say such a mean thing?"

"Well, it could be the open front door; it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs; it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house; it could be your bloodshot eyes. But mostly it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

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Never ask a Drunk

A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
‘You must be single.’

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the
derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items
on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that
could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: ‘Well, you know what, you’re
absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?’

The drunk replied, ”Cause you’re ugly.’

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