Human beings don't come with an owner's manual, but they should.
Wrinkles don't hurt.
Laughing is good exercise - it's like jogging on the inside.
No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
Don't cry because it is over; smile because it happened.
There's always going to be people that hurt you, so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
You can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
No matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
Never, under ANY circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved (and never will achieve) its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, HE WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV in a bad suit, with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career / job with your life.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Never lick a steak knife.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Your family and true friends love you, no matter what.
In 1929, the Soviet Union established gun control. From 1929 to 1953, about 20 million dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated. ------------------------------ In 1911, Turkey established gun control. From 1915 to 1917, 1.5 million Armenians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
------------------------------
In 1938, Germany established gun control. From 1939 to 1945, a total of 13
million Jews and others who were unable to defend themselves were rounded up
and exterminated.
------------------------------
In 1935, China established gun control. From 1948 to 1952, 20 million
political dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated
------------------------------
In 1964, Guatemala established gun control. From 1964 to 1981, 100,000
Mayan Indians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated.
------------------------------
In 1970, Uganda established gun control. From 1971 to 1979, 300,000
Christians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.
------------------------------
In 1956, Cambodia established gun control. From 1975 to 1977, one million
educated' people, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated.
-----------------------------
Defenseless people rounded up and exterminated in the 20th Century because
of gun control: 56 million.
------------------------------
It has now been 12 months since gun owners in Australia were forced by new
law to surrender 640,381 personal firearms to be destroyed by their own
Government, a program costing Australia taxpayers more than $500 million
dollars.
The first year results are now in:
List of 7 items:
Australia-wide, homicides are up 3.2 percent
Australia-wide, assaults are up 8.6 percent
Australia-wide, armed robberies are up 44 percent (yes, 44 percent)!
In the state of Victoria alone, homicides with firearms are now up 300
percent. Note that while the law-abiding citizens turned them in, the
criminals did not, and criminals still possess their guns!
While figures over the previous 25 years showed a steady decrease in armed
robbery with firearms, this has changed drastically upward in the past 12
months, since criminals now are guaranteed that their prey is unarmed.
There has also been a dramatic increase in break-ins and assaults of the
ELDERLY. Australian politicians are at a loss to explain how public safety
has decreased, after such monumental effort, and expense was expended in
successfully ridding Australian society of guns The Australian experience
and the other historical facts above prove it.
You won't see this datum on the US evening news, or hear politicians
disseminating this information.
Guns in the hands of honest citizens save lives and property and, yes,
gun-control laws adversely affect only the law-abiding citizens.
Take note my fellow Americans, before it's too late!
The next time someone talks in favor of gun control, please remind them of
this history lesson.
With guns, we are 'citizens'. Without them, we are 'subjects'.
During WWII the Japanese decided not to invade America because they knew
most Americans were ARMED!
If you value your freedom, Please spread this anti-gun control message to
all of your friends.
The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense.
The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important
than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.
As John Steinbeck once said:
1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll
just kill you.
2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics stink.
3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The
reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked
him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make
a 46.'
6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.
7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on
his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you
expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have
brought my rifle.'
8. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!
But wait, there's more!
I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I
did. She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I said, 'Of
course it is loaded, can't work without bullets!' She then asked, 'Are you
that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?' My reply was, 'No, not
at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire
extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.' To which I'll add,
having a gun in the house that isn't loaded is like having a car in the
garage without gas in the tank.
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates it can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Men forget everything; women remember everything.
That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
All men would still really like to own a train set.
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