Time Served

A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?’"

"I remember that, too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

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Man vs. Woman at ATM.

MAN

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert card

3. Enter PIN number and account

4. Take cash, card and receipt

WOMAN

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Check makeup in rearview mirror

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it

9. Enter PIN number

10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.

11. Hit "cancel"

12. Re-enter correct PIN number

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. STOP

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in gear, reverse

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Travel 3 miles

41. Release parking brake

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Clothes Make the Man

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Men are like Coffee

Now to find one that gives you the same buzz as coffee does

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Words of wisdom

Words of wisdom

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No One Waits forever

No One Waits Forever

To realize The value of a sister Ask someone Who doesn't have one. To realize The value of ten years: Ask a newly Divorced couple. To realize The value of four years: Ask a graduate. To realize The value of one year: Ask a student who Has failed a final exam. To realize The value of nine months: Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born. To realize The value of one month: Ask a mother who has given birth to A premature baby. To realize The value of one week: Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper. To realize The value of one hour: Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet. To realize The value of one minute: Ask a person Who has missed the train, bus or plane. To realize The value of one-second: Ask a person Who has survived an accident. To realize The value of one millisecond: Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics To realize the value of a friend: Lose one. Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have. You will treasure it even more when You can share it with someone special.

http://www.miacarmel.com/poems-about-sad-love/no-one-waits-forever.html

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words to think about

Inspirational words of advice

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Bet You Agree with these

• Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
• Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
• You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
• Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
• Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
• Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
• Wives and husbands always compromise. The husband admits he is wrong and she agrees.
• Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
• A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
• You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
• Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
• Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something .
• They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
• There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!

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He said She said

He said to me ...... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him ....... You wear pants don't you?

He said to me ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him ....... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me ...... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him ....... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me ...... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ....... They don't have time.

He said to me ...... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him ....... We don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me ...... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking?
I said to him ....... They already have boyfriends.

I said to him ...... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said to me ....... A widow.

He said to me ...... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him ....... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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Don't Look Back

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Life in Three Stages

Life in Three Stages

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Officer Fitness Reports

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's S206's:

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

I would not breed from this officer.

This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

Technically sound, but socially impossible.

This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

This Officer should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.

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Solutions

Simple solution to an age old problem

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Answering the Question

Well they found it !

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