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by Jeremy Ranson
As of late there have been reports circulating the underground press that Chuck Norris is running out of dining chairs. Could it be that as the third weapon of choice (the first being his roundhouse kicks and the second being his fist) there's actually a shortage of dining chairs in the furniture market?
Word on the street (from a credible yet fearful furniture source) has it that since Chuckie's demands for replacement chairs haven't been met, he's angrily spouting out facts about himself and hurling cans of Mountain Dew at anything that breathes.
When Chuckie was old enough to start kicking butt (age 3), he managed to uppercut his nanny by using his high chair after losing his balance; this was considered Chuckie's only ever documented accident. As he got older he got a hold of his first Parsons Chairs but quickly stopped, as the upholstered micro-fiber fabric wasn't sensual enough for him and because he had to use TWO hands to pick the darn thing up instead of his favored method of one hand to grab the evil-doer, the other to use the chair to clobber him.
Eventually Walker, er, Chuckie, decided that it might be a better idea to stick with lightweight wooden chairs that feature morris and tenon joinery, figuring that solid construction meant a 1:3 fighting ratio. Rumor has it that while shopping for six dining chairs that would match his grandmother's dining set, a salesman wouldn't leave him alone and he ended up getting kicked in the face - from behind.
This then led to Chuckie walking out with what would've been a $1500 purchase for the low price of $0.00. Two days later, six broken chairs and 18 disheveled and broken down men were found on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike. And this is probably not the last thing we will see from Chuck Norris. He is preparing to do some major damage again, so you better be careful and watch your six at all times. You never know who is listening.
Perhaps Walker, I mean Chuckie, should consider investing in metal frame chairs next. Virtually indestructible and modern, metal frame dining chairs are not only lightweight, they're quite resilient. Plus, these contemporary looking metal frame chairs usually come with a contoured look paired with stainless steel - ideal for cradling Chuckie's delicate frame yet tough enough to kick some major arse.
With a possible solution to the dining chair shortage on the horizon, furniture manufacturers, evil-doers, birds and the sort have earned a night's worth of rest knowing that for one night and ONE NIGHT ONLY, Chuck Norris will not finish their sentences with a roundhouse kick.
Chuck is a best friend to everyone, unless you are one of the bad guys who plans to do something really nasty. In case you want to hear some jokes and laugh from distance, I urge you to visit Chuck Norris Jokes and have a good laugh.
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