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When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."--Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"--Author Unknown
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house,Rod Stewart
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."--Drew Carey
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house,"--Rod Stewart
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"--Marilyn Pittman
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."--Lynda Montgomery
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"--Richard Jeni
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."--Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."--Paul Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"--Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."--Oscar Wilde
"Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself."--Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
"Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."--Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."--Billy Crystal
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"--Dave Barry
Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because " Mad Cow Disease" was taken.--Unknown, presumed deceased
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."--Robin Williams
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."--Dave Barry
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