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Wednesday, December 31, 2008
What Dog ?
As 2008 draws to an end, I had to give you all at least one kitten picture
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No Worries
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,
"Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
http://www.misscellania.com/miss-cellania/category/joke-types
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Life Explained
On the first day, God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a lifespan of 60 years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. Let me have 20 and I'll give back the other 40."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh I'll give you a 20-year lifespan." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for 20 years? I don't think so. Give me 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10."
God agreed again.
On the third day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a lifespan of 20 years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. The monkey gave you back 10, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
God sighed – and agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy. I'll give you 20 years." Man said, "That sounds great – but only 20 years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take the 20, and the 40 the cow gave back, and the 10 the monkey gave back and the 10 the dog gave back – that makes 80, okay?"
"Oh, all right," said God, "you've got a deal."
And this is why the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last 10 years we just sit on the porch and bark at everyone.
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Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Rules for Stray Cats
1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard when the human is asdfjj000hhkl; ljfd.;oier' USING IT.
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Diary of a Deer Hunter
1:00 AM - Alarm clock rings.
2:00 AM - Hunting partner arrives, drags you out of bed.
2:30 AM - Throw everything except the kitchen sink into pickup.
3:00 AM - Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 AM - Drive back home to pick up gun.
4:00 AM - Set up camp, forgot the tent.
4:30 AM - Head for the woods.
6:05 AM - See eight deer.
6:06 AM - Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 AM - Click...
6:08 AM - Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 AM - Head back to camp.
9:00 AM - Still looking for camp.
10:00 AM - Realize you don't know where camp is.
NOON - Fire gun for help, eat wild berries.
12:15 PM - Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 PM - Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 PM - Rescued.
12:55 PM - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 PM - Arrive back at camp.
3:30 PM - Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 PM - Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 PM - Load gun, leave camp again.
5:00 PM - Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you.
6:00 PM - Arrive at camp, see eight deer grazing in camp.
6:01 PM - Load gun.
6:02 PM - Fire gun.
6:03 PM - One dead pickup.
6:05 PM - Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging deer.
6:06 PM - Repress desire to shoot hunting partner.
6:07 PM - Fall into fire.
6:10 PM - Change clothes, throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 PM - Take pickup, leave hunting partner and his deer in camp.
6:25 PM - Pickup boils over, hole shot in block.
6:26 PM - Start walking.
6:30 PM - Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:35 PM - Meet bobcat.
6:36 PM - Take aim.
6:37 PM - Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged up with mud.
6:38 PM - Mess pants.
6:39 PM - Climb tree.
9:00 PM - Bobcat leaves, you wrap gun around tree.
MIDNIGHT - Home at last!!!
SUNDAY - Watch football game on television, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces. Place license in envelope and mail to the game department with detailed instructions.
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Monday, December 29, 2008
The Pope And The Rabbi
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, both sides agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe raised one finger.
Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
"Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.
"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he told me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, Mr. Pope, we're staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said the Rabbi, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
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Coming Home
A drunk staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, he got up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, he woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room.
"You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
"Why do you say such a mean thing?"
"Well, it could be the open front door; it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs; it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house; it could be your bloodshot eyes. But mostly it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."
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Sunday, December 28, 2008
Locker room
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later!I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?
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The Date
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
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Saturday, December 27, 2008
Why Do Men Die First
Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ... its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.
So Why do men die first? Because they want to.
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Self Confidence
One summer afternoon, Former President Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. After a long road trip, they stopped at a service station to fill up their car with gas.
As it turns out, the owner of the gas station was Hillary’s old high school boyfrined. They exchanged hello’s and brief chit-chat before the former White House couple went on their way.
As they were making their way back home, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, “Well, honey… if you had stayed with him, you would now be the wife of a service station owner.”
She smirked and replied, “No Bill, if I had stayed with him… he would have been the President of the United States!”
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No Words Needed
Sometimes no words are needed and this is one of those times and pictures
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Friday, December 26, 2008
Australian Travel Agent Stories
These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism website and the answers are the actual responses by the website's official. Their travel agents obviously have a sense of humour.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street when I visit Australia? (from USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK.)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK).
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? ( USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q! : Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
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Notes for the Milkman
These notes were left in milk bottles:
- Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
- Dear milkman I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
- Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
- Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
- Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
- Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
- Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
- Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
- Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
- Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
- When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
- Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.
- My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
- Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
- From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
- Cancel one pint after the day after today.
- My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
- Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
- When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.
- No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
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Thursday, December 25, 2008
The Stella awards
It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards.
The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.
The following are this year's candidates:-
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle.
The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth.
This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
This year's favourite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee.
Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this.
The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.
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If You Need Proof
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sear's hairdryer:
....Do not use while sleeping.
(darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos:
....You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh?)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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