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The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. - Mark Twain
Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. - Eddie Cantor
Gray hair is God's graffiti. - Bill Cosby
We must take change by the hand or rest assuredly, change will take us by the throat. - Winston Churchill
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. - Lily Tomlin
You can always count on the United States to do the right thing, once it has exhausted the alternatives. - Winston Churchill
The worst thing that can happen to you can be the best thing for you, if you don't let it get the best of you. - Will Rogers
If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you have ever tried. - Ricky Gervais
When you're certain you cannot be fooled, you become easy to fool. - Edward Teller
History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme. - Mark Twain
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful. - W. C. Fields
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential foodgroups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was "Shut Up". - Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal
Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate. - George Carlin
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. - Mark Twain
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