Bad Resumes

These items were actually on resumes.

Objectives:

To acquire a creative development position within the entertainment industry that would utilize my vast (2 years) technical experience.

To find a gig.

My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.


Reasons for Leaving the Last Job:

Terminated after saying, "It would be a blessing to be fired."

Responsibility makes me nervous.

Being in trouble with the law, I moved quite frequently.

In my last position, got nowhere as part of a 60-person herd.

I did not give the company my full effort and received no chance of advancement in return.

Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

My last employer insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.

Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.

Maturity leave.


Job Responsibilities:

Maintained files and reports, did data processing, cashed employees' paychecks.

Responsibilities included checking customers out.

Creator / Writer: ihatemylife.us, Los Angeles, CA

Overlooked all areas to ensure an overwhelming success.

Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.

While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.


Personal Interests:

Donating blood. 14 gallons so far!

I like the Simpsons.

Interests: Running, editing video, cooking, writing and wondering.

Go Chargers!


Qualifications:

Professionally watered 22,500 house plants.

I often use a laptap.

I am able to say the ABCs backwards in under five seconds.

I'm a lean, mean, marketing machine.

In response to your ad for Web Editor, here is a URL to a site I have worked on: www.seeyouinbed.com

I have a current passport.

Excellant at people oriented positi9ons and organizational problem solving.

Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

I am a great team player I am.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.

Very experienced with out-house computers.

Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve.

1881-1995: Spent my time teaching and going to school for computer science.

I flurrish in an environment where there is no inner-office tension and people respect one another.

I never take anything for granite.

I am creative, dependable, and housebroken.

I am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

I am an onest and ambitious person, understanding the words as deadline, professional skills, communication with people, seriousity.

I have eight arms and eight legs with excellent interpersonal skills.

I have unsuccessfully raised a dog.

At the age of twelve, I began hustling newspapers like many other great Americans had done. The only difference was that they became great.

I can adapt to just about any environment from cubicles to fancy IKEA desks.

I'm a rabid typist.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

I am a quick leaner, dependable and motivated.

I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

Marital status: often. Children: various.


Education:

While I've never quite gotten a degree, I am quite close to several.

Completed 11 years of high school.

College: August 1880-May 1984.

Finished eighth in my high school graduating class of ten.

Suspected to graduate early next year.

No education or experience.


Special Requests:

Desired Salary: $1.00 Per Year

I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks of vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan.

Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

I want a boss of average height, not too tall, though not strangely small (though I guess I could get used to just about anything given time).

I need just enough money to have pizza every night.

If U hire me, U will not have any regrets.

I don't have a phone 4 the time being. Please email me instead.

I prefer informality like wearing sports shirts and sandals for footwear in the summer.

I prefer setting my own pace. When things get slack I like the right to walk out and get a haircut during working hours.


Skills and Accomplishments:

I am the leader of a 6,000 member clan on World of Warcraft.

I make an excellent sandwich.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

Proven ability to track down and correct erors.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory.

I have never had a single blemish held against me and my IQ is off the charts.

I am quick at typing, about 25 word per minute, 35 with caffeinated coffee.

Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.


Additional Information:

Being in trouble with the law, I moved quite frequently.

At the age of 12, I began hustling newspapers like many other great Americans. The only difference was that they became great.

Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

At the emphatic urging of colleagues, I have consented to apply for your position.

Have had littel luck in finding a new and challenging position.

I am anxious to spread my wings in new directions and soar to new heights.

I am writing to you, as I have written to all Fortune 1000 companies every year for the past three years, to solicit employment.

Shot at the local gun club.

I've left a path of destruction behind me.

If you can't be a people person on a Navy ship, then you will probably get tossed overboard.

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