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Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see it shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. - Tim Allen
Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in. - Rita Rudner
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin
That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked. - Bill Cosby
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." - Garry Shandling
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. - Dick Cavett
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard
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