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I don't think my family liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. - Woody Allen
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. - Janeane Garofalo
When will all the rhetorical questions end? - George Carlin
I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout. - Joan Rivers
A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. - Willy Wonka
Whether you believe you can or believe you can't, you're probably right. - Henry Ford
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. - Harry S. Truman
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money. - Groucho Marx
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. - Albert Schweitzer
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights. - John Paul Getty
Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces. - Judith Viorst
It takes less time to do a thing right than to explain why you did it wrong. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. - Booker T. Washington
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - Ogden Nash
The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. - Bertrand Russell
You make a living by what you get, you make a life by what you give - Winston Churchill
If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live. - Martin Luther King Jr.
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. - Tom Lehrer
The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. - Ambrose Bierce
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. - Anonymous
There are very few people who don't become more interesting when they stop talking. - Mary Lowry
The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. - Fran Lebowitz
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. - Red Skelton
Common sense is not so common. - Voltaire
Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. - Bertolt Brecht
Always be sincere. Even if you don't mean it. - Harry S. Truman
It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge. - George Carlin
First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win. - Mahatma Gandhi
When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. - Norm Crosby
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool. - George Carlin
You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. - Albert Einstein
Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them were serious. - Alan Minter (Boxer)
Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow. - Emo Philips
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. - Samuel Goldwyn
If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck - Elvis Presley
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. - Woody Allen
If life gives you lemons, make some sort of fruity juice. - Conan O'Brien
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whoa, I'm way too high!" - Bruce Baum
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