Posts
I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. - Brian Kiley
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh!" - Conan O'Brien
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler
The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams
In high school, I wanted to be a feminist, but my boyfriend wouldn't let me. - Denise Munro
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. - Dave Barry
Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. - Bob Ettinger
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' - Paula Poundstone
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west." - Richard Jeni
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. - Paul Rodriguez
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? - Warren Hutcherson
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. - Lily Tomlin
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? - Marsha Warfield
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. - Tim Allen
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller
I think I am, therefore I am. I think. - George Carlin
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? - Jay Leno
The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis... - Conan O'Brien
Men look at women the way men look at cars... Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons... - Tim Allen
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know... Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfield
If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight. - Rita Rudner
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. - Tim Allen
AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote." - Jay Leno
You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. - Joan Rivers
A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers! - Jay Leno
I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada. - Britney Spears
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