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Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana. - Groucho Marx
You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither. - Steve Martin
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? - Robin Williams
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. - Woody Allen
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. - Michael McShane
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. - Dave Barry
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. - Tom Clancy
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. - Rodney Dangerfield
Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend? - Dennis Miller
Scratch a dog, and you'll find a permanent job. - Franklin P. Jones
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringley
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry
It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. - John Dryden
A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies! - Bill Maher
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams
On my gravestone, I want to say "I told you I was sick." - Tom Waits
A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. - Laurence J. Peter
Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late. - Rita Coolidge
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne
Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died - their lives will never be the same again. - Barbara Boxer, Senator
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. The always say because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. - Ellen DeGeneres
I went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you in seven seconds." I go, "I'll just have toast, then." - Margaret Smith
They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. - Carl Sagan
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry
The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends. - Bobby Kelton
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. - Lily Tomlin
At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: "My dad owns a liquor store." - Mark Klein
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. - Bill Cosby
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno
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