For Men only!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she
brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to
pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a
washing machine will probably never be able to
support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that
allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts her sentence with
"A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't.
There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough
to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and
your wife is yelling at the front door, who
do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you
let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know
her first name was Always.
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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
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Scientists have discovered a food that
diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring,
Wedding Ring, Suffering.
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Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me
"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested. Then
God created Woman. Since then, neither God
nor Man has rested.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman
shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't
eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had
your willpower."
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Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in
some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife
until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son !
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A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred
letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
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The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a
beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

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