Disneys Desperate Housewives

And now you know how the series started, seems life is not a fairy tale

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Things You Don't Want To Hear During a Surgery

- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called !

- Oh no! I just lost my watch.

- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

- There go the lights again...

- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

- What's this doing here?

- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

-You sure it wasn't this leg?

- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

- Are his relatives waiting outside?

- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

- What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!

- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

- This scissor looks rusted.

- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

- Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

- Now from where did this spider come in from.

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Investment tips for 2009

Watch for these consolidations in 2009:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace

2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood

4.) ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa

5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP

6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild

7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants

8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally….

9.) Victoria ’s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

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Good Question

Good question, and more to the point, it the door going to be ok ?

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Great In Bed

I would love to be able to sleep for days !

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Steve Martin Quotes

Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal - high enough so you can look up her dress.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.

I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there’s a game on

There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that

There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they’ll talk back to you.

College totally changed my life. It changed what I believe and what I think about everything. I majored in philosophy.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you’re an idiot.

We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday.

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Make A Promise

See its such a cute ass as well

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Men can’t win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race…you’re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework …you’re a pansy.

If you work too hard…there’s never any time for her. If you don’t work enough…you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay…this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay…..you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her…..that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you……it’s affirmative action.

If you mention how nice she looks……it’s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet……….it’s male indifference.

If you cry…………you’re a wimp. If you don’t……..you’re an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her………you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you……she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy……. that’s domination. If she asks you………it’s a favor.

If you appreciate the female form …..you’re a pervert. If you don’t ….you’re gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs, wear sexy lingerie and keep in shape ………….you’re sexist. If you don’t……………..you’re unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape……you’re vain. If you don’t ……..you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers………….you’re after something. If you don’t ……..you’re not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements……..you’re full of yourself. If you aren’t……. you’re not ambitious.

If she has a headache…………she’s tired. If you have a headache………….you don’t love her anymore.

If you want it too often………you’re over sexed. If you don’t…………….there must be someone else.

So why do men die first?

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The O.J. Trial

as told by The Cat in the Hat

(as Dr. Seuss might have told it)

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her in the head.
I did not know that she was dead.

When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was gashed from broken glass.
I cut my hand upon a glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.

My friend, he took me for a ride.
All through L.A., from side to side.
From North to South, we took a ride.
But from the cops, I could not hide.

And now we've been here for a year.
A year! A year! Just sitting here!
The DNA, the hem and haw.
The circus-hype the viewers saw.
A year! A year! Just sitting here!
And lawyers change by the hour, I fear.

If I'm found "Guilty" I'll appeal.
Appeal! Appeal! I will appeal!
I'll wheedle and whine; I'll cut a deal!
If it's "Not Guilty," so glad I'll feel!

**then this little ditty suggested by OJ's statement to Judge Ito that he could not, would not, kill Nicole and Ron. Ito's lines are in capital letters...**

DID YOU DO THIS AWFUL CRIME?
DID YOU DO IT ANYTIME?

I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

DID YOU TAKE THIS PERSON'S LIFE?
DID YOU IT WITH A KNIFE?

I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

DID YOU LEAVE A POOL OF BLOOD?
DID YOU DROP THIS BLOODY GLOVE?

I did not leave a pool of blood.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
I did not do it, so I say.
It's not my blood or DNA.

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Therapy Has Taught Me ............

Something to remember and possibly live by

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Success

You go to all your successes in your life

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New Economic Lingo - the Crisis Special

1. CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.


2. CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.


3. BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a
financial genius.


4. BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance the wife gets no
jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.


5. VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.


6. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps
crashing.


7. BROKER -- What my broker has made me.


8. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.


9. STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.


10. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between
themselves.


11. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.


12. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.


13. CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.


14. YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.


15. WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per
share.


16. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Last year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.


17. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

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Sometimes One is Enough

Sometimes one is enough, unfortuantly I have a feeling he is going to be joined by more than one more

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Damn It's Good To Be A Man

1. Your last name stays put.

2. The garage is all yours.

3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4. Chocolate is just another snack.

5. You can be president.

6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. The world is your urinal.

9. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

10. Same work, more pay.

11. Wrinkles add character.

12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

13. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

16. One mood, ALL the damn time.

17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

18. You know stuff about tanks.

19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

20. You can open all your own jars.

21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

23. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

24. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

25. Everything on your face stays its original color.

26. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

27. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

28. You almost never have strap problems in public.

29. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

30. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

31. You don't have to shave below your neck.

32. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

33. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color all seasons.

34. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

35. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

36. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

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A Womans SteeringWheel

Have a feeling that is this was an added extra a lot would be ordered

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Get out of the Car

Never mess with grannie

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Thought For The Day

Where ever you may be, let your wind blow free..................... it saves the rest of us from your ideas !!!

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Insults from the Famous

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. -- Jack E. Leonard

There but for the grace of God, goes God. -- Winston Churchill

There goes the famous good time that was had by all. -- Bette Davis

They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway. -- Hunter S. Thompson

Thou lumpish earth-vexing fustilarian. -- William Shakespeare

Thou mammering half-faced measle. -- William Shakespeare

Timid? As timid as a buzzsaw. -- George Ells (about Hedda Hopper)

To err is Truman. -- A popular joke in 1946

To those she did not like . . . she was a stiletto made of sugar. -- John Mason Brown (about Dorothy Parker)

Useless as a pulled tooth. -- Mary Roberts Rinehart

Wagner's music is better than it sounds. -- Mark Twain

We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

Well, I think we ought to let him hang there. Let him twist slowly, slowly in the wind. -- John Ehrlichman

What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement. -- Fred Allen

What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You! -- from Murphy Brown

What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank. -- Liberace

When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry - for the clothes. -- Josh Billings

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price? -- David Letterman

While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either. -- James Thurber

While you remain at home your hair is at the hairdresser's; you take out your teeth at night and sleep tucked away in a hundred cosmetics boxes - even your face does not sleep with you. -- Martial, 1st Century AD (to a female friend)

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? -- Milton Berle

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. -- P. G. Wodehouse

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? -- Groucho Marx

Why, this fellow don't know any more about politics than a pig knows about Sunday. -- Harry S Truman (about Dwight D. Eisenhower)

Writers are interesting people, but often mean and petty. -- Lillian Hellman

You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. -- Jim Samuels

You're a mouse studying to be a rat. -- Wilson Mizner

You're a parasite for sore eyes. -- Gregory Ratoff

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Wisdom of Douglas Adams

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.


Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.


Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.


For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.


He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.


He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.


Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.


I don't believe it. Prove it to me and I still won't believe it.


I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.


I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.


I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be.


I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?


I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.


If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.


If somebody thinks they're a hedgehog, presumably you just give 'em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.


In order to fly, all one must do is simply miss the ground.


In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.


Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?


It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.


It is a rare mind indeed that can render the hitherto non-existent blindingly obvious. The cry 'I could have thought of that' is a very popular and misleading one, for the fact is that they didn't, and a very significant and revealing fact it is too.


It is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it... anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.


Life is wasted on the living.


Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.


The difficulty with this conversation is that it's very different from most of the ones I've had of late. Which, as I explained, have mostly been with trees.


The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.


The impossible often has a kind of integrity which the merely improbable lacks.


The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.


The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.


The mere thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing my mind.


There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.


This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.


Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.


Time is bunk.


To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity.


We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem.


You live and learn. At any rate, you live.

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