Clueless

Share and Enjoy!

Things you wish you could say at work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.

2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet
it’s hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate
yourself in public.

5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn
to see it my way.

6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn
word you’re saying.

10. Ahhhh .. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was
young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.

14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions
I had about you.

Share and Enjoy!

A Message for Men

Share and Enjoy!

HOW TO ASK YOUR BOSS FOR A SALARY INCREASE?

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary !!!


Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$ perately. I think you$ hould be under$tanding the need$ of u$. We are worker$ who have given $ o much $upport including $ weat and $ervice to your company ..
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I meant and re$pond $oon

Your$ $incerely,
GS


The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :




Dear GS,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOw a days, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticably well . NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into a NOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad . I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean .


Your Boss.

Share and Enjoy!

School Message....press 1

This is the message that apparently a Secondary School staff in the Midlands voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and Parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children’s failing marks changed to passing marks - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.

The Message Was :

’Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff,
please listen to all the options before making a selection:

• To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
• To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work - Press 2
• To complain about what we do - Press 3
• To swear at staff members - Press 4
• To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your Newsletter and several letters posted to you - Press 5
• If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6
• If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
• To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
• To complain about bus transport - Press 9
• To complain about school lunches - Press 0

LASTLY:

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a really wonderful day!

If you want this in other languages, you must be in the wrong country. This is England, learn the language

Share and Enjoy!

Things to do in Church ..... espeially if you don't want to go to Heaven

Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the

address of the church next Saturday at midnight

Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD

are upon you!!!"

Ask where the nearest ashtray is.

Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel

has spoken!"

When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble:

"Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"

If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother:

"IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP

SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!

Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front

rows,hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher:

"Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"

Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School

class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."

Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone

being stoned, especially Stephen.

Distribute condoms.

Share and Enjoy!

Here's to me

Share and Enjoy!

Comedians Quotes

* I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’
The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’
(Jay Leno)


* My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
(Roseanne )


* A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
(Steve Martin)


* Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love .
(Woody Allen)


* It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there
when it happens. (Woody Allen)


* I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people.
Between five, it’s fantastic. (Woody Allen)

* I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as
many people who believe it. (George Carlin)


* Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you
is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!
(George Carlin)


* You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.
(Dave Chappelle )


* I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.
(Dave Chappelle)


* A word to the wise ain’t necessary - it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.
(Bill Cosby )

* To be good, you need to believe in what you’re doing. (Billy Crystal )

* I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer
thinks he can
get me five. (Steven Wright )


* Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic
who doesn’t own a car. (Carrie Snow )

* I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.
(Eddie Izzard )

* If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
(George Gobel)


* Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
(George Carlin)


* Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color,
but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
(Jerry Seinfeld)


* You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most
powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.
(Chris Rock )

Share and Enjoy!

The Driving Question

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read: Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at
the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
"Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your
car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk
driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer
drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would hard to be a dickhead all day long.

Share and Enjoy!

Random Thoughts to get you through any situation

You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at

the track



There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack

of preparation.



Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

The careful application of terror is also a form

of communication.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to

the real world.

Things are more like they are today than they ever

have been before.

 



Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting

dirty for.

Everything should be made as simple as possible,

but no simpler.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have

someone in mind to blame.

One-seventh of you life is spent on Monday.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move

the ends.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that

life is serious.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

There is always one more imbecile than you

counted on.

This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.

The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it

before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.

Share and Enjoy!

Reason I am a Vegetarian !!

Share and Enjoy!

Lessons for Life

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R's:
Respect for self,
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke
of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation.
Don't bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go some place you've never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for
each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Share and Enjoy!

Sarcastic Quotes of the Famous

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
- Ashleigh Brilliant


» It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
- Paul Newman

» I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
- Stephen Bishop

» History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
- Abba Eban

» No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
» I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
» I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
» I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
» I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
- Groucho Marx

» The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
- Frank Zappa

» The 100% American is 99% idiot.
» The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
- George Bernard Shaw

» He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
» Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
- Oscar Wilde

» He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
- Victor Borge

» I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
» Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.
» Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
» Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself..
- Mark Twain

» I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- Clarence Darrow

» If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- Charles Pierce

» You have delighted us long enough.
- Jane Austen

» A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
- Winston Churchill

» He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

» Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

» He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
- Abraham Lincoln

» He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
- Irvin S. Cobb

» He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
- Forrest Tucker

» He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
- Billy Wilder

» The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat.
- Ogden Nash

» I wish we were better strangers.
» I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.
- Unknown

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
- Woody Allen

» I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves. - Ludwig Wittgenstein

» Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions. –
Frank Lloyd Wright

» We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time. - Vince Lombardi

» A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. - Gore Vidal

» When ideas fail, words come in very handy. - Goethe

Share and Enjoy!