Playalinda Beach

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Sexy mascot can stay at eatery if curves covered

READING, Ohio – A curvaceous, scantily clad mannequin can keep her spot outside a Cincinnati area barbecue joint, but local officials want her to cover up a bit.

The life-size figure stands as a busty beacon outside a restaurant in suburban Reading (REH'-ding) owned by Kenny Tessel. He told zoning officials at a hearing Wednesday night that the advertising gimmick has boosted business 40 percent.

The 5-foot-10 mannequin is on the street wearing a bikini top and tight short-shorts, though Tessel brought her to the hearing draped in a long, sleeveless gray T-shirt.

The board said Tessel may continue to use the figure only if it's dressed more modestly in front of the restaurant, too.

He plans to appeal.

___

Information from: The Cincinnati Enquirer, http://www.enquirer.com

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Letter to a Redneck Son

Dear Son;

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

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Thought for the Day

Everyone who has ever been stuck with a ranting female know how true this is

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Parenthood: Changes with Each Baby

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color- coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

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Outta My Way

Outta my way, I'm running a little behind !!!

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Calling in Sick

Cat Lover or Not, this is Hysterical! We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

http://johns-jokes.com/joke/of_the_day/Calling_in_Sick/1124/

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue? If they only knew!'

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

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When Your High

Everything is your friend when your high enough

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A Womans Rule Book - How To Deal With Men

1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
2. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
5. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
6. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
9. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
10. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
11. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
12. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
20. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "oh alright, I'll stay the night."
22. Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.
23. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
24. If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
25. Sadly, all men are created equal.
26. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him "you may be, you look familiar."

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Red Neck Wife Beater

Sometimes make do and mend is not the best way

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Think Outside The Box

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

1. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
2. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
3. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:

'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.

"I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is

to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery,

have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car,

then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

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I Am Really Brainy !!

Now this is one reason for being large that I can relate to !!

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Overworked Employee in India

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason I'm tired: because I'm overworked.

* The population of this country is 1 billion.

* 644 million are retired. That leaves 356 million to do the work.

* There are 195 million in school, which leaves 161 million to do the work.

* Of this there are 29 million employed by the head government, leaving 132 million to do the work.

* 16 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 116 million to do the work.

* Take from the total, the 15 million who work for the State and City Governments and that leaves 101 million to do the work.

* At any given time there are 100 million people sick or hurt and in hospitals, leaving 1 million to do the work.

* Now, there are 2 less than a million people in prisons.

* That leaves just two people to do the work.

* You and me.

* And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes

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Job Description

Well at least you know what to expect in this job !!!

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Signs And Notices

Actual signs

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE
50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG
20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.
IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED...
OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH:
IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND.
ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.
BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.....

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR
MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF..

Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS...
YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

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Nice Golf Clubs

She even plays gold with them sometimes as well !!

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More Great Truths About Life From Little Children

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.

Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower.

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.

Never bug a pregnant mom.

Don't ever be too full for dessert.

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.

Never spit when on a roller coaster.

Never do pranks at a police station.

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.

Stay away from prunes.

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.

Forget the cake, go for the icing.

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Fair Warning

Never let it be said you were not warned !!

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25 Reason Farts are Better than Cigarettes

1. You can have a fart in a restaurant.
2. Farts don't cause cancer.
3. You can never run out of farts.
4. The price of a fart won't go up.
5. There is no tax on farts.
6. Friends are always willing to share them with you.
7. Farts are available to minors.
8. You can fart underwater.
9. Farts don't leave stains on your fingers or lips.
10. Farts aren't related to bad breath.
11. You don't need an ashtray to fart.
12. Farts won't make you cough.
13. You can fart on Public Transport.
14. You can fart in bed without fear of falling asleep and burning the house down.
15. You don't need to take you hands off the steering wheel to fart.
16. No body ever tries to bludge a fart of you in the pub.
17. Farts don't have Government Health warnings on them.
18. Farts have no affect on unborn Babies.
19. Farts don't have to be lit to be enjoyed.
20. You don't need a pocket to keep your farts in.
21. There's no anti-farting laws.
22. After a fart there is no butt to dispose of.
23. You can fart while exercising.
24. You get a variety with each fart.
25. Careless farters haven't been known to start brush fires.

But there's also the reverse of this list which I could only think of one entry for:

1. Smokes are easier to light than farts!!

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Rules of Military Combat

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
   1. When you're ready for them.
   2. When you're not ready for them.
8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
15. When in doubt empty the magazine.
16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

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