It's Impossible To Please Women

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands.

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.""Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went."

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs

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Wait 'til you get home

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Laws for Women to Remember

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman

miserable.

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times,

men wouldn't ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you

laugh at his.

Sadly, all men are created equal.

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Blonde Kidnapper

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this
note.

"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just
as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note.
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

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Health Warning

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Oath of Friendship

Friend,

When you are sad....I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry b****rd who made you sad.

When you are blue...I'll try to dislodge whatever it is that is choking you.

When you smile...I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused...I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick...stay the hell away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

REMEMBER THESE TWO THINGS:
1. A good friend will help you move your furniture. Your best friend will help you move a body.
2. A good friend will be there to bail you out of jail. Your best friend will be the one sitting next to you saying, "That was f***ing awesome!"

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Jobsworth Employee

Maybe the boss should have been more specific ?

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Overkill

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Here's to me

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Sex Quotes of the Rich and Famous

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things

that money can buy."

--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."

--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd

better have a good hand."

--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,

particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the

taxidermist."

--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

--Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other e eight are

unimportant."

--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole

relationships."

--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."

--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

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