Just One Time

All it takes is one time ...............

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Indifference

There is a lot to be said for indifference, lets face it, it takes less work

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Giraffe Up a Tree

Ok the title says it all, its a giraffe up a tree, and its on her just because I thought it was funny !!

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Cold Feet

any one got some socks to lend Him ? His feet are cold

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Hiding in plain sight

Might not be the best disguise but it works

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I want to be a bear

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Hang On

Sometimes a picture just is just right, there is something about it that makes you feel good, this is one that does that for me

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Carrying Your Enemies

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Words of Wisdom

# Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

# The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

# It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

# Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

# No one is listening until you fart.

# Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

# Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

# It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.

# It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your
help.

# If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

# Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way,
when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

# If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

# Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

# If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.


# If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

# Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

# Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

# Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.


# Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

# A closed mouth gathers no foot.

# Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.


# Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

# Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

# Never miss a good chance to shut up.

# We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

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Driving Others Mad

Ways to really worry other drivers as you cruise the streets .......................
1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.

3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint.
The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector
tries to explain to next driver.

7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof.
Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands,
and lean the seat back as you drive.

13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear,
suddenly lock your doors.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they
gave you an obscene gesture.

16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.

17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

22. Keep at least five cats in the car.

23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.

24. If an fire truck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car,
and do a cheer for them as they pass!

25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.

26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

27. Stop and collect roadkill.

28. Stop and pray for roadkill.

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More Sex Quotes from the Rich and Famous

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

--Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he

never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a

sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals

through his wallet."

--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only

time of the month that I can be myself."

--Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing

in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say

that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are

having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe

swelling. So what's the problem?"

--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know

what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."

--Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like

and just give her a house."

--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough

blood to run one at a time."

--Robin Williams

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Survival of the smartest

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Be a team player

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Speak up and be heard

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How to bathe your cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The Dog

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Working Hard

The staff at your bank hard at work

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Love is ...............................

Love is like a rumor,
Everyone talks about it,
But no one truly knows.
~ by Anonymous ~

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Love is ........................

Love is like swallowing hot chocolate

Before it has cooled off.

It takes you by surprise at first,

But keeps you warm for a long time.

~ by Anonymous ~

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