Seven Deadly Sins

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Answer me this ..............

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

So what's the speed of dark?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the otherway?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?

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Words of Alcoholic Wisdom from the Famous

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ~Frank Sinatra


The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. ~William Butler Yeats


An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. ~Ernest Hemingway


Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. ~Anonymous


Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. ~Catherine Zandonella


Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -Ambrose Bierce


Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. -Anonymous


A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. ~W.C. Fields


Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder. ~Anonymous


Work is the curse of the drinking classes. ~Oscar Wilde


When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. ~Henny Youngman


Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. ~-Anonymous


24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? ~Stephen Wright


When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... ~Brian O'Rourke


Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. ~Winston Churchill He was a wise man who invented beer. ~Plato


Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. ~Benjamin Franklin



Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. ~Dave Barry


The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
~Humphrey Bogart


Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. ~David Moulton


Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. ~Kaiser Wilhelm


Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
~Dave Barry


I drink to make other people interesting. ~George Jean Nathan


Alcohol may cause a few of the worlds' problems, but in the end it solves them all ~Homer Simpson

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Reasons not to Exercise

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about £400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass

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Love Poems

Womans Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.





MAN'S POEM...


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs Who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

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Clara's century without sex

EVER feel like you haven’t had sex in ages? Meet the woman who’s gone without it for 105 YEARS.

Chaste Clara Meadmore has NEVER bothered with a bit of the other — and reckons it could be the secret behind her long life.



She said yesterday: “I’ve just never been interested in or fancied having sex.

“I imagine there’s a lot of hassle involved.”

Retired secretary Clara, who turns 105 tomorrow, says she knew she would live a celibate life from the age of 12.

Sex in her youth meant getting married — and she made up her mind as a schoolgirl that she would always remain single.

She said: “I’ve never had a boyfriend and never been bothered about relationships.

“When I was a girl you only had sex with your husband — and I never wed.



“I’ve always had lots of platonic friendships with men, but never felt the need to go further.

“I made my mind up at 12 never to marry and I’ve not gone back on that.”



Clara added on sex: “I’ve always been too busy doing other things. People have asked if I’m a homosexual — the answer is no.”

The sprightly OAP, a keen walker who mowed her own lawn until she was 97, was born in Glasgow in 1903 — just two years after the death of Queen Victoria.

She can remember the Titanic sinking in 1912 when she was eight, and the outbreak of World War One.


Her family emigrated to Egypt, Canada, then New Zealand when she was seven, but independent Clara returned to Britain alone in her twenties.

She served in Egypt with the Women’s Royal Army Corps during World War Two then lived between London and New Zealand before retiring to Cornwall.

She worked as a secretary and a housekeeper, but despite “several” offers of marriage she turned them all down.

Clara added: “I grew up in an era where little girls were seen and not heard so I had to learn to stand up for myself and earn my own living.

“Some men don’t like that in a woman and before long I was too old to marry anyway.”



Clara now lives in a nursing home in Perranporth, Cornwall.

She has never owned a TV, loves cats, the radio and reading — and plans to celebrate her birthday with a drop of wine.

Her closest friend Josie Harvey, 72, said: “Maybe never having a man to get under her feet has kept Clara young.

“She has her hobbies and her friends and those are all she needs.”

j.coles@the-sun.co.uk

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