More Great Truths About Life From Little Children

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.

Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower.

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.

Never bug a pregnant mom.

Don't ever be too full for dessert.

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.

Never spit when on a roller coaster.

Never do pranks at a police station.

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.

Stay away from prunes.

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.

Forget the cake, go for the icing.

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A Womans Motto for Her Life

A womans motto for life, learn it and live it

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THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran , Ruled by Nuts.

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Success

You go to all your successes in your life

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Damn It's Good To Be A Man

1. Your last name stays put.

2. The garage is all yours.

3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4. Chocolate is just another snack.

5. You can be president.

6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. The world is your urinal.

9. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

10. Same work, more pay.

11. Wrinkles add character.

12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

13. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

16. One mood, ALL the damn time.

17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

18. You know stuff about tanks.

19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

20. You can open all your own jars.

21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

23. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

24. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

25. Everything on your face stays its original color.

26. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

27. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

28. You almost never have strap problems in public.

29. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

30. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

31. You don't have to shave below your neck.

32. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

33. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color all seasons.

34. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

35. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

36. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

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Have a Good Life

Have a Good Life

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Note To Self

Note to Self:

Find the guy doing all the raindances and tell him to LAY OFF.

Note to Self:

Quit corporate America because the paycheck just isn’t worth the drama. Go teach drama. Realize that all jobs lack merit, no matter the scale or locale. Have the epiphany that they pay you because working is an inconvenience. Get a better paying job.

Note to Self:

Make an effort to keep a pair of gloves in the glovebox, if only for sentimental reasons.

Note to Self:

Record the sound of the shutter on your Polaroid SX-70. Set it as your ringtone, as it makes you smile every time you hear it (and costs slightly less than the $1-per-click price of a actually taking a photo.)

Note to Self:

Look into this whole Stumble Upon phenomenon and the ensuing web traffic it sends your way.

Note to Self:

Brainstorm activites, speeches, practical jokes, animal costumes, etc. that may be appropriate for your last few days of work “for the man.”

Note to Self:

Convince a world-renowned photographer to shoot your wedding. Begging, pleading, bribing, and/or kidnapping are all viable means of accomplishing said goal.

Note to Self:

Replay the last 12 months of your life, chuckle at the absurdity and wonderfulness of it all, have a Coke, and go back to work smiling.

Note to Self:

Get ready for a change of metaphorical seasons.

Note to Self:

As a person of caucasian descent, whose tract is more used to food that is fast, eating Mexican food two nights in a row is a bad idea.

Note to Self:

Now that he is slightly old and definitively crazy, convince Mel Gibson to make a 4th installment of the existing Mad Max Trilogy, then use your newfound friendship with the actor/director to be cast as post-post-apocalypse-surviving extra in said film.

Note to Self:

When you provide a detailed Christmas list to your friends and family, you often get what you asked for.

Note to Self:

Battle occasional bad days by being so happy that your co-workers think Care Bears must have crapped rainbows on your head.

Note to Self:

Wear more tweed.

Note to Self:

Do not, under any extraneous circumstances or day-to-day minutia, allow the various semi-creative ideas in your head to remain there and thus, inevitably, go bad like so much over-ripe, unpicked fruit. Also, pick up bananas at the store on the way home.

Note to Self:

At the behest of a wise and wonderful wizard, lasso a beautiful unicorn and gallop over the heads of a school of helpful dolphins into the sunset. If possible, don’t forget your digital camera (because hey, who’s actually going to believe the dolphins helped you?)

Note to Self:

Make things. Don’t stop making things.

Note to Self:

Fly home so your family won’t forget what you look like. Or who you are. Or what to leave you in their respective last wills and testaments.

Note to Self:

Develop a penchant for the droll.

Note to Self:

Implement the daily siesta. Consider telling your boss why you have a hammock beside your desk.

Note to Self:

Make this website behave correctly in Internet Explorer. Silently despise anyone who still uses Internet Explorer. Become frustrated at such widespread ignorance. Become a champion for justice. Rally. Protest. Have difficulty finding the time to fix minor coding issues on this website that make it behave correctly in Internet Explorer. Get dizzy.

Note to Self:

Choreograph office dances to the entirety of the new Justin Timberlake album. Test your glass desk for max weight distribution load. Rig lights underneath the desk. Disco.

Note to Self:

Get a haircut, hippie.

Note to Self:

Discover the maximum amount of movies Netflix will send you in any given month of the 3-at-a-time plan. Stock up on popcorn.

Note to Self:

Despite your newfound Texan surroundings and the ensuing excitement thereof, consuming Tex-Mex twice in one day is still not a good idea.

Note to Self:

If less than three stories, always take the stairs. Your heart and your butt will thank you, and when was the last time the two of them were in agreement about much of anything?

Note to Self:

Relentlessly verbally mock parents who keep their children on leashes in public.

Note to Self:

Don’t mourn the death of relational second-guessing. Certainty can be a beautiful thing.

Note to Self:

Through either research or consultation of black magic, determine exactly what famed popstar Meatloaf wouldn’t do for love. Also, determine exactly what way the Backstreet Boys wanted it that way.

Note to Self:

Use some variation of the phrase “beat [someone] round the head with [something]” as much as possible.

Note to Self:

Work out your body with weights until such a time as you can pull off a Dar, The Beastmaster costume for Halloween. Prepare for women to swoon and nerdy men who love fantasy and sci-fi to go “Hell yeah, The freakin’ Beastmaster.”

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Life is precious

Life is precious, enjoy all its beauty

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Womens Thoughts on Life

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobic class pulls a hamstring.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat. " Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to a class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch... do it and you die."

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

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