Tips to Beat the Recession

1. Put an egg in your Ramen

2. Fuck ,alot. It's free and it feels really good if you do it right. Heck, it even feels good when you do it 'wrong'.Also, you won't need the heat as high , afterwards. (note: sorry I used 'fuck' instead of 'sex',but it just seemed to fit better)

3. Don't pout,make survival an adventure

4. Get rid of cable .It's a rip-off, and there's nothing on it worth a shit ,anyways. A good antenna will get you 15 -20 stations once we go HD in February. ($80 savings per month)

5. Oatmeal,instead of boxed cereals. Better for you and one/tenth the price ($4 per box savings x 2 per month)

6. Get a "Magic Jack", and never pay a phone bill ,again . I know you have a computer.($60 savings per month)

7. If it's not at a Redbox, don't go to Blockbuster. ( $4 per movie savings x 4 times a month)

8. Mark West Pinot Noir ,$8.99 per bottle

9. You only have two feet, how many pairs of shoes do you really need?

10. Buy regular unleaded.Your car needs to make sacrifices ,too.I guarantee it will still run fine.

11. Chunky Soup got me through college,pretend your 18 again, and eat some Chunky Sirloin Burger

12. Dump the Gym membership. Last time my membership expired , they had to give me directions to the gym , so I could renew.

13. It's a great time to diet, and no one will no your really just plain ol' starving

14. Invite friends over to play cards. You'll reconnect , realize what's most important, and all have a great evening

15. Beanie Weenies

16. Time to be a 'coupon weirdo'

17. Invite friends to your house. You don't have to spend the gas to drive, and you can get as drunk as you want , since your already home.

18. If you can't pay cash, you can't afford it. Cut up the cards.

19. Announce that your "going to let your hair grow out", and save on haircuts for a few months ($20 x 3 months)

20. Do you really need a Caramel Machiatto? ($4 savings x 8 x per month)

21. Check out the dollar menus or kid's menus and your fast food place.Hell, it's more than likely a more proper portion.

22. Read, it's cheap and you can escape the current realities

23. Whoever stays with you won't be doing it for your money.

24. Turn up the music

25. Volunteer at a shelter, you'll know what poor is.

26. Beans are more than just a "musical fruit". Beans /rice have been helping poor people survive worldwide for centuries

27. Keep your sense of humor

28. Always remember that we'll all survive

29. The job you said you' d never lower yourself to do ,is the job someone else wishes and prays they had.

30. Suicide is not painless. It hurts all those who love you

31. Shower together,hubba,hubba

32. I always remember a quote from my momma ,when I was feeling down and realized we were dirt poor,
" Baby, look outside.Them bird's is still singin' ,and they got no coat,no job,no roof over they head,no guarantee uh'duh next meal. They's jus'happy they's breathing."

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Surviving Christmas - Hints and Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Have an amazing holiday season! Merry Christmas!

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