Definitions

1. *THINGY *(thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. *VULNERABLE *(vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male........Playing football without a cup.

3. *COMMUNICATION* (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. *COMMITMENT* (ko-mit-ment) n
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5*. ENTERTAINMENT *(en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. *FLATULENCE* (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-expression male bonding.

7. *MAKING LOVE* (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up having sex.

8. *REMOTE CONTROL* (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

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Words and Their Meaning.... or What They Should Mean

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with

Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots

Paradox \par'-u-doks\: two physicians

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife

Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six

Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government official

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10 WORDS THAT DON'T EXIST, BUT SHOULD

1. AQUADEXTROUS
(ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION
(kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT
(dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS
(el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST
(frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION
(lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER
(peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS
(pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION
(tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

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Words in the dictionary

Persistant isn't He

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Can You Raed Tihs ?

Acorncidg to a rseeecahrr at Caimdgbre Urnvsitiey, it dosen't mteatr in what oderr the lteerts in a word are, the only iotamnprt thing is taht the first and last letetr be at the rgiht pcale. The rset can be a taotl mess and yo u can stlil raed it wuhiott pbrloem. This is bsuceae the haumn mnid does not read eevry letter by itlesf but the wrod as a wolhe.

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Looking Outside

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Things To Ponder

Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

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A Little Inspiration

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, It is between you and God;
It never was between you and them anyway.

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More Wise Words from Oscar Wilde

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.

The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - The unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.

We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language.

There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written.

But what is the difference between literature and journalism?
Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. That is all.

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.

Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing.

Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.

Who, being loved, is poor?

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.

To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

One should absorb the colour of life, but one should never remember its details. Details are always vulgar.

The truth is rarely pure and never simple.

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